life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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