Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
