So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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