so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
