On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
