There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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