$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
