I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
