We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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