I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
