I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
