I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
