I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
