Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can I color on your dick again?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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