Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
4 words: hood of his car
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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