How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
