I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
