Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
