You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
