The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
