So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
