walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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