I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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