Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
