I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dear god my vagina.
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