I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
