My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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