I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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