Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
