There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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