god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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