if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
