So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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