How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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