In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
