I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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