Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
