I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
