i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Are we still banned from the library?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
