Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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