We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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