I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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