is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
