she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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