Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
