I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
