remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
