i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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