he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
