how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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